Let it Go

Signs he’s pretending to be over you include hot-and-cold texting, asking mutual friends about you, reacting strongly to your social media posts, dating others publicly but staying emotionally distant, and overcompensating with “I’m so happy” declarations. Psychology shows that defensive behavior, selective memory about your relationship, and inability to discuss the breakup maturely indicate unresolved feelings.

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Three months after their breakup, Sarah’s ex posted a picture with another girl, captioned “Living my best life 🔥.” But the same day, he watched every single one of her Instagram stories within minutes of posting. Two weeks later, he texted “Hey stranger” at 2 AM, only to leave her on read when she replied. Sound familiar? When someone says they’re over you but their actions scream the opposite, you’re witnessing one of psychology’s most fascinating phenomena: emotional pretending.

If you’re reading this, you probably know that gut-wrenching feeling of mixed signals. One day he acts like you never existed, the next he’s accidentally-on-purpose showing up where you hang out. The confusion is driving you crazy, and you’re desperately trying to decode whether he’s pretending to be over you or if you’re just seeing what you want to see.

Here’s the truth: People don’t pretend to be over someone they’ve actually moved on from. Real emotional detachment doesn’t require performance. When someone is truly over you, they simply… are. No announcements needed.

The Psychology Behind Emotional Pretending

Before we dive into the signs, let’s understand why people pretend to be over their exes in the first place. Spoiler alert: it’s not because they’re evil masterminds trying to confuse you.

The Ego Protection Mechanism

When someone gets hurt in a relationship, their ego creates defense mechanisms to protect them from further emotional damage. Pretending to be “totally fine” serves several psychological functions:

• Control restoration: If they can’t control the relationship, they’ll control the narrative
• Social face-saving: Looking “unaffected” maintains their social status
• Self-deception: Sometimes they’re trying to convince themselves, not just you
• Power dynamics: Appearing unbothered feels like winning the breakup

The Attachment Paradox

Here’s where it gets psychologically fascinating: the more someone claims they’re over you, the more likely it is that they’re not. This is called “protest behavior” in attachment theory. When our attachment system is activated (aka when we lose someone important), we often engage in behaviors designed to regain that person’s attention—even if those behaviors seem contradictory.

The key insight: Genuine emotional detachment doesn’t require constant advertisement.

15 Sneaky Signs He’s Pretending to Be Over You

1. The “I’m So Happy” Overcompensation

What it looks like: Excessive social media posts about how amazing his life is now, constantly telling mutual friends how much better off he is, or making sure you hear about his newfound happiness.

The psychology: When someone is genuinely happy and moved on, they don’t need to announce it constantly. This behavior is called “reaction formation”—where people express the opposite of what they’re actually feeling to cope with uncomfortable emotions.

Real example: He posts gym selfies with captions like “Best decision I ever made 💪” or tells everyone “I should have ended it sooner” while making sure these comments get back to you.

What it really means: He’s trying to convince himself as much as he’s trying to convince you.

2. Hot and Cold Communication Patterns

What it looks like: Mixed signals after breakup where he initiates contact sporadically, seems engaged during conversations, then suddenly goes cold or takes forever to respond.

The psychology: This push-pull dynamic happens when someone wants connection but fears vulnerability. They reach out when missing you feels unbearable, then retreat when they remember they’re supposed to be “over it.”

Text examples:

• “Hey, how are you?” followed by one-word responses
• Long, thoughtful messages followed by days of silence
• Late-night texts that he acts like never happened the next day

The pattern: Contact → Connection → Panic → Withdrawal → Repeat

3. Strategic Social Media Behavior

What it looks like: He watches all your stories immediately but never likes your posts, posts things specifically when he knows you’ll see them, or suddenly becomes very active on platforms you frequent.

The psychology: Social media becomes his way of staying connected to your life without direct contact. The immediate story views show he’s monitoring you, while avoiding likes maintains plausible deniability.

Sneaky signs:

• Always the first to view your stories (but doesn’t respond to them)
• Posts right after you do (competing for attention)
• Suddenly active on apps he never used before
• Likes old photos when he’s been drinking

What he’s thinking: “I want to know what she’s doing, but I can’t let her know I care.”

4. Using Mutual Friends as Information Sources

What it looks like: He casually asks mutual friends about you, brings you up in conversations, or pumps them for information about your dating life.

The psychology: When someone is truly over an ex, they don’t need regular updates about their life. This behavior shows he’s still emotionally invested in your world.

Common approaches:

• “Oh, how’s [your name] doing these days?”
• Bringing you up randomly in group conversations
• Asking specifically about your dating life
• Getting defensive when friends mention you’re doing well

The tell: If friends mention he asks about you, he’s definitely not over you.

5. Defensive Reactions to Your Name

What it looks like: He changes the subject quickly when you’re mentioned, gets visibly uncomfortable, or overreacts (either positively or negatively) when your name comes up.

The psychology: People who are genuinely over someone have neutral emotional reactions to mentions of their ex. Strong reactions—whether positive or negative—indicate unresolved feelings.

Observable behaviors:

• Physical tension when your name is mentioned
• Immediate topic changes
• Overcompensating with casual indifference
• Getting angry when friends mention you

The truth: Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. Strong reactions mean strong feelings.

6. Ex pretending to move on Through Public Dating

What it looks like: He starts dating someone new very quickly and makes sure you know about it, but the relationship seems superficial or he compares the new person to you.

The psychology: Rebound relationships often serve as emotional band-aids rather than genuine connections. If he’s using someone else to prove he’s over you, he’s probably not.

Red flags to notice:

• Started dating immediately after your breakup
• Makes sure you see his new relationship on social media
• The new relationship seems performative rather than genuine
• Friends mention he talks about you even while with someone new

The reality check: People who are genuinely ready for new love don’t use new relationships as statements about their past.

7. Selective Memory About Your Relationship

What it looks like: He only remembers the bad times when talking to others, but his actions suggest he remembers the good times too.

The psychology: This is cognitive dissonance in action. His rational mind wants to justify the breakup, but his emotional mind still holds onto positive memories.

What you might hear through friends:

• “She was so dramatic” (while he keeps photos of you two)
• “We were never compatible” (while he still goes to places you went together)
• “I don’t miss anything about that relationship” (while he texts you on significant dates)

The disconnect: His words and actions tell different stories.

8. Accidental-on-Purpose Encounters

What it looks like: He shows up at places he knows you’ll be, finds reasons to be in your vicinity, or creates situations where you’ll run into each other.

The psychology: When someone is over an ex, they typically avoid unnecessary contact. Seeking out opportunities to see you indicates he’s still drawn to your presence.

Common scenarios:

• Suddenly frequenting places you mentioned you like
• Showing up at mutual friends’ events he previously didn’t attend
• Taking new routes that happen to pass by your work/home
• Timing his activities to coincide with yours

The subconscious motivation: He wants to see you but needs a “legitimate” reason that doesn’t look desperate.

9. Emotional Reactions to Your Dating Life

What it looks like: He gets upset, jealous, or overly interested when he hears you’re dating someone new.

The psychology: Signs he still has feelings include strong emotional reactions to your romantic life. Someone who’s moved on feels neutral about their ex’s new relationships.

Telltale reactions:

• Asking invasive questions about your new partner
• Making negative comments about people you date
• Sudden increased contact when you start seeing someone
• Trying to interfere with or sabotage new relationships

What it reveals: He’s not ready to see you with someone else because he still sees you as “his.”

10. Anniversary and Significant Date Behavior

What it looks like: He reaches out on meaningful dates (your anniversary, birthdays, holidays you celebrated together) with seemingly casual messages.

The psychology: People don’t remember and act on significant dates from relationships they’re over. These reaching-out moments show he’s still emotionally tied to your shared history.

Common patterns:

• “Hope you’re having a good birthday” texts
• Random contact on your anniversary date
• Holiday messages that reference your time together
• Reaching out on dates that were significant only to your relationship

The emotional truth: These dates trigger memories and feelings he thought he’d processed.

11. Inability to Have Mature Conversations About the Relationship

What it looks like: He can’t discuss what went wrong without getting defensive, emotional, or shutting down entirely.

The psychology: Processing a relationship healthily requires emotional distance and perspective. If he can’t talk about your relationship maturely, he hasn’t gained that distance yet.

Communication red flags:

• Getting angry when discussing relationship issues
• Refusing to acknowledge his role in problems
• Blaming everything on you or external circumstances
• Shutting down emotionally during serious conversations

What it indicates: He hasn’t done the emotional work to truly move past your relationship.

12. Keeping Relationship Mementos

What it looks like: He still has photos of you two (even if not displayed), keeps gifts you gave him, or holds onto items that remind him of your relationship.

The psychology: While some people naturally keep mementos, someone actively trying to move on typically removes reminders of their ex. Keeping meaningful items suggests emotional attachment.

Things he might keep:

• Photos on his phone (even if not on social media)
• Clothing items you gave him
• Items from trips you took together
• Playlist you made or songs that remind him of you

The emotional significance: These items serve as tangible connections to your relationship.

13. Competing with Your Success

What it looks like: He seems motivated to outdo your achievements, posts about his accomplishments when you share yours, or minimizes your successes.

The psychology: When someone is over an ex, they feel neutral about their successes and failures. Competitive behavior indicates he’s still emotionally invested in how he measures against you.

Competitive behaviors:

• One-upping your social media posts
• Making sure mutual friends know about his achievements
• Minimizing your accomplishments when they’re mentioned
• Timing his big announcements to overshadow yours

The underlying emotion: He’s still seeking validation in comparison to you.

14. Drunk Dialing or Emotional Outbursts

What it looks like: Late-night calls or texts when he’s been drinking, emotional messages that he later pretends didn’t happen, or moments where his guard comes down completely.

The psychology: Alcohol lowers inhibitions and reveals true feelings. These moments show what he’s really thinking when he’s not actively trying to appear “over it.”

Common drunk contact:

• 2 AM “I miss you” texts
• Long rambling messages about the relationship
• Calls where he’s clearly emotional
• Messages he deletes or pretends didn’t happen the next day

The revelation: His unguarded moments reveal his true emotional state.

15. Future-Focused Questions or Comments

What it looks like: He asks about your future plans, makes comments about what you “should” do, or hints about hypothetical future interactions.

The psychology: Someone who’s moved on doesn’t concern themselves with their ex’s future plans. This behavior shows he’s still mentally including himself in your life trajectory.

Subtle future-focused behaviors:

• Asking about your career or life plans
• Giving unsolicited advice about your decisions
• Making comments like “maybe we’ll run into each other at…”
• Expressing opinions about your life choices

The hidden meaning: He’s not ready to accept that your futures are separate.

What This All Really Means: The Psychological Truth

If you’ve recognized multiple signs from this list, here’s what’s likely happening psychologically:

He’s in Emotional Limbo

Your ex is stuck between two conflicting desires:

1. The desire to move on (what his rational mind knows he should do)
2. The desire to maintain connection (what his emotional mind wants)

This creates the push-pull behavior you’re experiencing. He’s not intentionally trying to confuse you—he’s confused himself.

The Grief Process is Incomplete

Healthy emotional processing after a breakup involves several stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Pretending behavior often indicates he’s stuck in the bargaining phase—subconsciously hoping to maintain some form of connection while appearing to have moved on.

Attachment Wounds are Activated

If your relationship was significant, losing it activated his attachment system. The pretending behavior serves as a way to stay emotionally close while protecting himself from further hurt.

The Brutal Truth About What You Should Do With This Information

Don’t Use It as False Hope

Recognizing these signs doesn’t mean you should wait around for him to “come to his senses.” People can exhibit these behaviors for months or even years without ever acting on their feelings in a healthy way.

Protect Your Own Emotional Energy

Analyzing his every move keeps you emotionally tied to someone who isn’t emotionally available for a real relationship with you right now. Your energy is better spent on your own healing and growth.

Set Clear Boundaries

If you recognize these patterns, you have every right to:

• Ask for complete no contact if the mixed signals are hurting you
• Tell mutual friends you don’t want updates about him
• Block him on social media if his behavior is confusing you
• Refuse to engage in conversations about your relationship

Focus on Your Own Recovery

The most important question isn’t “Is he pretending to be over me?” but rather “What do I need to move forward in a healthy way?”

Why People Get Stuck in Pretending Patterns

Fear of Vulnerability

Admitting he’s not over you requires vulnerability—acknowledging that he’s hurting and that you had power to hurt him. For many people, especially those with avoidant attachment styles, this feels too risky.

Social Pressure

Society often pressures people to “get over” relationships quickly. Pretending to be fine feels safer than admitting you’re struggling with a breakup.

Conflicted Feelings

Sometimes people genuinely don’t know what they want. They might miss you while also believing the relationship was wrong for them. This internal conflict manifests as confusing external behavior.

Pride and Ego

For some people, being the one who “moved on first” feels like winning the breakup. This ego-driven motivation can sustain pretending behavior long past when it serves any healthy purpose.

How to Respond to Someone Who’s Pretending to Be Over You

If You Want to Reconcile:

Create space for honesty: Let him know you’re open to real conversation about where you both stand, but you won’t engage with games or mixed signals.

Set a timeline: Give him a specific timeframe to figure out what he wants, then stick to it.

Require emotional maturity: Any reconciliation conversation needs to happen when both of you can be honest about your feelings and what went wrong.

If You Want to Move On:

Implement strict boundaries: Block or limit contact, ask friends not to share information, and resist the urge to analyze his behavior.

Focus on your own growth: Use this time to understand your own patterns and what you want in future relationships.

Consider professional support: A therapist can help you process the confusing dynamics and develop healthier relationship patterns.

If You’re Unsure What You Want:

Take a break from analyzing: Give yourself 30 days without trying to decode his behavior. Focus entirely on your own emotional state and needs.

Journal about your feelings: What do you actually want from him versus what you want from a partner in general?

Consider what healthy love looks like: Would someone who truly loved you leave you confused about their feelings?

The Red Flags vs. Green Flags Test

Red Flags (Signs This Isn’t Healthy):

• He won’t have direct conversations about his feelings
• The mixed signals are causing you emotional distress
• He’s dating other people while giving you hope
• He gets angry when you try to establish boundaries
• You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around the situation

Green Flags (Signs This Might Be Worth Exploring):

• He’s willing to have honest conversations about what went wrong
• He’s not dating other people or using them to make you jealous
• He respects your boundaries and emotional needs
• He’s done tangible work on himself since the breakup
• Any reconnection feels emotionally safe for both of you

The Bottom Line: Your Peace Matters More Than His Feelings

Whether or not he’s pretending to be over you ultimately doesn’t matter as much as whether this dynamic is serving your highest good.

If recognizing these signs brings you peace and clarity, use that information to make empowered decisions about your life.

If analyzing his behavior keeps you stuck in emotional limbo, it’s time to redirect that energy toward your own healing.

Remember:

• You deserve clear, consistent communication about where you stand
• You don’t have to wait for someone to figure out their feelings
• Your emotional well-being matters more than solving the puzzle of his behavior
• Real love doesn’t require you to be a detective

The right person for you won’t leave you guessing about their feelings. They won’t make you analyze their behavior for signs of interest. They’ll show up consistently, communicate clearly, and choose you without reservation.

Whether your ex is pretending to be over you or genuinely has moved on, the most important thing is that YOU move forward in a way that honors your worth and your emotional needs.

You deserve someone who doesn’t just love you—but shows it in ways that make you feel secure, valued, and chosen every single day.

Stop analyzing mixed signals and start focusing on your own healing. The Let It Go app helps you break free from the confusion of wondering what your ex really feels. Join thousands of others who’ve learned to redirect their emotional energy toward building the amazing life they deserve—with or without their ex. Download today and start choosing yourself first.