Let it Go

You know all the reasons it ended. You remember the fights, the tears, maybe even the betrayal. Your friends remind you why you’re better off without them. Yet here you are, 3 AM, wondering if there’s still a chance. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not weak.

The Truth About Post-Breakup Feelings

Yes, it’s completely normal to want your ex back, even after everything.

Whether your relationship ended due to constant arguing, infidelity, incompatibility, or any other painful reason, the desire for reconciliation is one of the most common post-breakup experiences. Research shows that approximately 50% of people maintain hope for reconciliation even months after a breakup, regardless of who initiated it or why it ended.

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s human nature.

Why We Want Them Back (Even When Logic Says No)

The Attachment Bond Doesn’t Break Overnight

When you’ve shared deep intimacy with someone, your brain forms powerful neural pathways associating them with safety, comfort, and love. These connections don’t disappear just because the relationship becomes unhealthy or ends badly.

Think of it like this: if you lived in the same house for years, you’d still occasionally drive toward it even after moving somewhere better. Your heart has its own GPS, and it takes time to reprogram.

The “Exception Fantasy”

Your mind might be telling you: “What if we could work through the issues this time? What if they’ve changed? What if we’ve both grown?” This isn’t delusion—it’s hope. And hope, while sometimes painful, is also what makes humans resilient.

Sarah, a Let It Go app user, shared: “I kept thinking about how good we were together when things were good. I convinced myself that if we could just get back to that place, everything else would work out.”

Grief Comes in Waves

Some days you feel strong and certain you’ve moved on. Other days, missing them hits like a tidal wave. This isn’t regression—it’s how grief works. The desire to want them back often intensifies during these low moments.

When Missing Them Becomes Concerning

While wanting your ex back is normal, certain patterns deserve attention:

Red flags that suggest you need professional support:

• You’re romanticizing an abusive relationship
• You’re ignoring serious deal-breakers (addiction, consistent infidelity, emotional abuse)
• The desire is interfering with your daily functioning for months
• You’re engaging in stalking or harassment behaviors
• You’re using substances to cope with the longing

Healthy missing vs. unhealthy obsession:

• Healthy: “I miss the good times we had, but I recognize why it ended”
• Unhealthy: “I can’t function without them and will do anything to get them back”

The Self-Assessment: Should You Act on These Feelings?

Before deciding whether to reach out, honestly answer these questions:

1. What specifically do you miss?

• If you miss them as a person: Their laugh, how they made you feel understood, shared experiences
• If you miss the idea of them: Having someone, not being alone, the status of being in a relationship

Missing the person suggests genuine connection. Missing the concept suggests you might be trying to fill a void that anyone could fill.

2. Have the core issues been addressed?

The problems that ended your relationship—were they situational (long distance, bad timing) or fundamental (different values, incompatible life goals, toxic patterns)?

Mark, who successfully reconciled with his ex after a year apart, explains: “We broke up because of my workaholism and her need for attention I couldn’t give. We only got back together after I changed jobs and she worked on her independence. The core issue was solvable.”

3. Are you hoping they’ll change, or have they actually changed?

Hope based on potential rarely works out. Change requires evidence, time, and consistency.

If You Decide to Pursue Reconciliation: The Healthy Approach

Step 1: Work on Yourself First (30-90 days minimum)

This isn’t about becoming “worthy” of them—you already are. It’s about ensuring you’re approaching reconciliation from a place of strength, not desperation.

Focus areas:

• Process the breakup with a therapist or trusted friends
• Identify your role in the relationship’s problems
• Develop coping strategies for the issues that contributed to the breakup

Step 2: Assess Their Readiness

Have they shown genuine growth? Are they in therapy? Have they acknowledged their role in the problems? Reconciliation requires two willing participants who’ve both done the work.

Step 3: Start Small and Honest

If you decide to reach out, be authentic about your intentions:

“I’ve been thinking about us and wondering if you’d be open to talking about what went wrong and whether there’s a path forward. I understand if you’re not interested, and I respect whatever you decide.”

Avoid manipulation tactics or pretending you just want to be friends if that’s not true.

When the Answer Should Be “Let Them Go”

Sometimes the healthiest choice is accepting that the relationship has run its course:

• If there was abuse of any kind—emotional, physical, financial, or psychological
• If they’ve clearly moved on and are happy in a new relationship
• If you find yourself repeatedly hoping they’ll change fundamental aspects of who they are
• If the relationship brought out the worst in both of you consistently

Remember: Love alone isn’t enough. Compatibility, timing, mutual respect, and shared values all matter too.

Moving Forward: Whether Together or Apart

If You Reunite:

• Set clear boundaries and expectations
• Consider couples therapy to address old patterns
• Take it slow—don’t rush back into old routines
• Have honest conversations about what caused the breakup

If You Don’t:

• Allow yourself to grieve the relationship and the hope
• Use tools like the Let It Go app to process your emotions healthily
• Remember that missing someone doesn’t mean you should be with them
• Trust that someone who’s truly meant for you won’t require you to convince them to stay

The Bottom Line

Wanting your ex back, even after everything, is profoundly human. You formed a deep connection with someone, and those feelings don’t evaporate just because the relationship ended badly. The question isn’t whether these feelings are normal (they are), but what you choose to do with them.

Some people are meant to come back into our lives. Others are meant to stay in our hearts as beautiful chapters in our story that helped us grow. The wisdom is in knowing the difference.

Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t linear, and neither is love. Trust yourself to know what’s truly best for your wellbeing, even when your heart is pulling you in different directions.

The Let It Go app offers guided exercises for processing complex post-breakup emotions, including conflicted feelings about reconciliation. Download the free breakup app today. You will gain access to tools for healthy healing including their free no contact tracker that is a game changer in expediting healing. These tools help whether your path leads back to your ex or toward someone new.